......you hear the news of a young cousin's potential wedding in Dec 2012 and your first thought it is "I will likely not attend since I will be having my baby that month."
Sigh -- maybe its lunacy disguised as optimism :-(
I have been reading some good blogs lately that have made me think of a few things. One of the blogs talked about an article on IF that mentions being so consumed by trying to get pregnant that one does not think beyond that to actually having the baby and taking care of it.
I replied to that post saying that I could relate to that article because I know that, right now, I AM single-mindedly focused on being successful in getting and staying pregnantt.
Its not that I have not thought through the baby thing, but its something that is out there like a shadow or mirage. I know what it involves, I have looked into finances and and support system I need in place. I have vaguely thought through how I would manage on business trips, daycare, etc....but I am not focussing too much time in that space because frankly I am not in a position to think about it much, maybe its self-preservation, I don't know.
And yet sometimes I do feel a bit scared, especially now that I am by myself with no spouse along for the journey. During my IVF when they put in two embryos, I recall having a moment when I was petrified. OMG I could actually be pregnant -- it could be a reality. The fear was only for a few seconds, but it made me realize that I am in fact so focussed on the TTC journey the actual fact of being pregnant and having the child did not even factor in.
As I write this I know it is what I want. I want to be a Mom and have a family -- but is it normal to sometimes be afraid?
We are all scared of the unknown. We all have our demons. Let me tell you, if you can survive infertility without jumping off a roof or being committed, then motherhood will be a delight. No matter what, we cope, otherwise we wouldn't fight so hard.
ReplyDeleteI've read blogs of women so obsessed with the fight of infertility I think they forgot a human was involved as the end result, and was petrified once pregnant. I don't know if she was fighting for the right reason. I stopped following her when she continued to degrade pregnancy and openly loathed it, even describing breast feeding disgusting. You don't sound like a person like that. You will be a good mum..
You wouldn't be human if you did not have fears and worries as well as hope. The worries and fear keep us a little more grounded even as the hope has us trying to scale tall buildings.
ReplyDeleteI think it's natural to become so focused on TTC/IF when you are deep in the battle. I found it almost like an emotional defense mechanism to NOT dream too much about the baby at the end of the IF fight because getting to baby seemed so out of my control... and it hurt so much to have failure after failure.
ReplyDeleteBut remember, you thought a lot about life with baby when you were making the decision to TTC in the first place. You know what you are getting into. And you will have an entire pregnancy to prepare.
Quite normal to be afraid. I have those moments of shear terror when I find out I'm pregnant of the "what next". But then I realize my pregnancy might not even make it, it usually doesn't. I want so bad to be a mom that I know I'll be a good one just because I'm willing to give up a normal life to even try to conceive.
ReplyDeleteMy first embryo transfer I had a similar though. OMG what if I'm pregnant. I think it's normal. And as for not thinking of what happens after the pregnancy I think it's just self preservation and probably good. Having a lot of plans makes it a lot harder when they aren't happening. If you can navigate this you can navigate single motherhood.
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