I am feeling discouraged. This whole saga with the cyst the past week has me on the verge of tears. Its like every time I make a decision to move ffd on this path, something comes along to knock me down.
It took me a few years to even consider doing IVF. I was petrified of the injections and potential side effects of the medication. Last Nov when I finally decided to proceed, I got hit with the fibroids and the surgery in Feb.
Now, just when I have finally wrapped my mind around doing donor eggs, I have this freaking cyst. I am seriously wondering if the universe is trying to tell me something. Am I forcing my body into a situation it does not want to be in? Now I am worried that if I have cystic ovaries, god forbid I have them if/when I am pregnant.
I have been fighting back tears all week since the ER visit. Each time I think about my future I get all choked up and teary eyed. Maybe I need to have a couple of glasses of wine tonight and just let it out.
I don't know the implications of the cyst yet, but I do know that if I need to have another surgery, my road to motherhood is effectively over.
I cannot do this anymore.
I am tired of having roadblocks thrown my way each way I turn. I am tired of half-living my life year after year. I am tired of hoping that the next Christmas will be different. I am tired of only being half-engaged in my job since my mind is consumed with TTC and running from Dr appt to another. I am tired of being nervous each time we sign a new client at work because I worry that business travel could interfere with a cycle. I tired of not being able to fully furnish my home since I may need to re-organize for a nursery someday. I am tired of not being able to plan my life beyond a couple of months.
I am sick and tired of it all!
And since I am in a pissy mood today......I went and deleted a bunch of blogs where the ladies have gotten BFP recently. I am glad it worked out for them but I cannot stand to read all the gushing of happiness. Not right now - not in the mood I am in these days.
Off to find my wine -- I really need it!!
I'm so sorry you're feeling so discouraged. You are going to be such a great mom after working so hard to get your baby. I really do NOT believe that this is a sign. I'm hugely superstitious, but I really don't think the world works this way.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you enjoyed the wine, and had a good cry.
This has crossed my mind in the past too and I've heard it on other blogs. It does seem sometimes that we pass one hurdle and another shows up and that we are stuck. Don't let it get to you because it isn't the way it should be. I hear you about not reading some blogs, I've done it too.
ReplyDeleteHow terrible you must feel! I have yet to go the donor egg route but we are considering it after this next IVF. I can only imagine how you must feel with the cyst pain and the not knowing how it will affect this cycle. Take heart though that some cysts can be drained, some will resolve on their own, some cysts do rupture ( I know that all too well), and unfortunately some cysts do require surgery. I'm hoping that your cyst won't have to have the surgery and that you'll still be able to go ahead with the donor eggs. My last first IVF I had a large chocolate cyst. They still let me go ahead with the IVF. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI have done the same deletion lately. Sometimes it's just too hard to support someone, even of they struggled to, when all you want is what they got. Hang in there...it's not then end and ignore the negative 'signs'!!
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