Making Sense of it All

Thank you very much for the kind messages of condolences and support left on my previous post. It really felt comforted reading them and I am very appreciative of your virtual friendships.

This may be a bit of a dark post so please feel free to skip. I need to write about it since its therapeutic for me.

We are doing better given the circumstances. The only way I can describe what I am personally feeling is "shaken to the core".  I am still in denial, but its only been two days. 

The emotional crying part stopped by end of day Friday, although I did break down a bit last night and this morning. The hormones are not helping I am sure.

I think what is causing me the deepest sadness is realizing that someone we deeply loved felt so hopeless and unwanted that she decided to end her life. That she felt she had no choices, no way out, and that nobody will care if she is gone. That is basically what it boils down to.

But the question remains --  WHY!?  What was so bad going on in her life that nobody could help.  Why did nobody who lived with her (son, daughter in law) not see it? She apparently was on anti-depressants for a month (we never knew) and stopped about 5 months back. I know we will never get any answers for that and it will always be something that haunts us all. I am sure its much worse for her son and daughter who were part of her daily life.

That is what brings on the tears, just knowing that my aunt was so alone in all this and she did not see that she had so many people who loved her.
I have read a few websites about family members dealing with suicide, just to try and get some perspective. It seems what I am feeling is normal and the questions will never end. But as they say it is a choice the individual made and we have to just accept that.  Its much easier said than done though.

It does appear that she was thinking about it since that other young mother ended her life, the friend of my cousins. My aunt was asking a lot of question about how that girl did it, and my cousin answered her, not realizing that maybe her interest was beyond curiosity. Maybe her recent upbeatness was the calm, where she knew she had a way out?

So, its mind boggling, that is the only way I can describe it. And my aunt was such a big personality, loud, boisterous, always in control, etc. She was really tough and had handled a lot in her life...that is how everyone knew her, so that is even harder to reconcile.  She was not the same person off late which is why my Mom about 8 months ago had reached out to my aunt's daughter to ask her about her mother, and tell her we were all worried. Her daughter just pooh-poohed it saying her Mom "was needy" and nothing else.

Hopefully as time passes I will be able to accept that it was her choice at the end, and she is at peace now.

I am also sad because I know she would have been such a big supporter of my decision to become a SMC.  She did not know that I was trying, but I always knew that if I ever got pregnant and told her she would be so happy for me, and be totally supportive.

I went for yoga today so that helped me center a bit and spent some time out in the garden.

I need to put closure to this the best way I can.