Friday the 27th

Beta = Negative.

I am not surprised since I knew it was doomed before it even began.  A 5-cell on Day 3 was not giving me the warm and fuzzy and then the others perishing in the petri dish was even worse news.  Sure "slow growing" embryos have worked for many women, but its chances are very very low and there are not a whole lot of success stories out there.

So, I am okay enough.

I must admit though that oddly last night was the first time in the faux-TWW that I actually had some hope. My breasts got really sore the past couple of days, tingled and my armpits ached and itched which I recall from my last chemical in Oct. 

So, as I drove to the clinic this morning I did have minuscule hope that maybe it would all turn around and I would be surprised with good news.

The blood draw went well and I came  back and worked. It was a busy day and I even forgot at times that I was expecting the call.

At 2:30 I had a customer demo, just as everyone gets on the phone, my Blackberry rings and its my RE.

 I quickly put my work call on mute and answered.

He came to the point quickly "unfortunately your test was negative".

I said " well I am not surprised really".  I think he was a bit taken aback, for he said "yes, but when it happens its still sad". I said "I suppose so". He must think I am a freak being so calm and detached.....he seemed more sad about it.  But he does not know that my emotions -  anger, disappointment and tears started and ended on transfer day.

He wants to meet for a WTF appt which I will schedule for in the next week or so. In the hurry, I forgot to ask him about my Prog level, so I just emailed the Nurse.

I also emailed the DE Coordinator and DE Nurse to let them know that they better hold my two donor choices for me.

On Monday I will get started on booking one. Both are proven with pregnancies initiated. Not that I hold anything by that -- sigh I have become such a cynic.

On the bright side:

1. I have a long list of symptoms and side effects I can be prepared for next time around.
2. I am stronger having been through the sheer disappointment of the Fert Report and taken all the curveballs thrown my way in my stride.
3. I also realized today that had this cycle worked I would not have had an embryo for a sibling who would be genetically similar to my child, so maybe its all for the better.
4. I can cycle for free next time so financially its not a burden to me. Who knows if I had got pregnant if the clinic would have stood by their guarantee.
5. I can eat, drink and be merry and stop these medications!

And as I was telling my Dad....I truly believe in Fate. If I am meant to have a child I shall have one.......if I am not then even a 100 IVFs will not get me one.

So, tonight I shall have my glass of wine and unwind and just de-stress from it all. 

Thanks for being hopeful for me these last two weeks. I wish I could have surprised you all.