Feeing Better and a Tribute

I am feeling a bit better today.

Yesterday after a my yoga practice which I dedicated to my aunt, I took my Mom to a place of worship.

I am not super religious on a daily basis, but I do like to visit there several times a year before important milestones or as in this case sad occasions.

We spent about an hour there and got blessed. Just sitting there gave us both so much peace. Afterwards as we stepped out into the sunshine and seeing the rose bushes blooming we both felt calmer.  It helped to say goodbye to her in that venue and accepting that she is finally at peace.

I have no hard feelings towards her at all, and I certainly do not blame her.  I just feel sad that she needed to do this in the first place, but as you all said she was not thinking rationally. In her mind this was the best way out.

I have to admit I do feel anger towards my cousins because they marginalized her so much in their lives that she felt her presence was irrelevant.  She was on the outside looking in on her children's lives and I am sure that hurt. They may not have done it intentionally and certainly did not know how far she would go, but their actions made her feel small and alone. We are only learning the extent of it all now from other family members.

I do want to say a few words in memory of my aunt.

She was such a loving, caring and generous person. She was willing to be the caregiver of my grandma, shouldering all the responsibility herself and not feeling resentful towards her siblings who were unable to physically help out.  She did not have a happy marriage but she took good care of her husband for several years when his health was declining and until his death three years ago.  She was always fun loving and loud and could take over any party or occasion, and always ready for a laugh.  She was the toughest person I know- with a strong opinion, strong personality and determination.

 I loved my aunt.

She did not deserve to leave this world in this terrible way, by her own hand.

But I have to accept that it was her choice.

I will no longer think about how she died.  I don't think my mind will ever be able to wrap itself around that fact. Instead when I feel sad, I shall focus on how she lived, and the happy times and memories I have of her.