Faux-TWW continues...

This post was intended to be completely unrelated to TTC originally, but that changed quickly.

Just as I was writing the post, I got a call from the clinic. Finally, 4 days later and it was my RE. 

I was so happy to hear it was him and not the Nurse and I even told him that at the end of the call that the nurses are great but sometimes you just need to talk to the doctor.

I was composed and did not get emotional. I have gotten teary once in front of him back during my first IVF/IUI cycle and being a young guy (mid-forties) he got very embarrassed and joked that he had made his first patient of the day cry.

So here is the scoop.

They tried to grow the remaining embryos and they did not make it. I am not a bit surprised. One did not go beyond a 5-6 cell, the other grew a bit more and then arrested.

They will certainly stand by their guarantee and cycle me for free again.  He did say that they do their best to select the correct donors but if a donor has not been used in the clinic there is a chance of such an occurrence.

He agreed with me that after the initial fertilization, upto Day 3 the growth is fueled by the egg after which the sperm kicks in.  So, based on the slow initial growth, it does appear to be egg related and not the sperm. I was happy to hear that.

I asked if I should get another sperm donor, he said that was my call...but he did not think the sperm was the issue. They will be pulling the egg donor off the roster given the dismal performance, ya think?

I asked if next time around we could do the fertilization first and freeze the embryos in advance of me cycling so I did not have to do another 8 weeks of medication for nothing but he did not think that was a good idea since it adds the complexity of the embryo thaw.

I also asked about the Estrace protocol since it is so much faster, but he said they do not do it with women who are still ovulating and have regular cycles, due to the chance of a spontaneous ovulation. They do not want to take that risk. Its mostly done in this clinic for women who are menopausal.

So, the whole cycle debacle boils down to bad luck. If you recall this donor was my second choice since my first choice was taken. Guess it was meant to be and if I am meant to have a baby, I will have one, I suppose.

I just really have to think how much farther I am willing to go with this journey. What if this happens again, no viable embryos?  The clinic will cycle me for free again -- but will I be willing to do it a 3rd time? 

I had said two DE tries and that would be IT!!   Not just because of finances but also the mental, emotional and physical burden of it all, but that was based on the assumption that the embryos would be high quality. It was based on the assumption of a good quality embryo yielding me a BFN.

Now I am so confused about my longer term TTC plan :-(

Well, on the bright side, at least I can close the chapter and throw in the towel on this faux-TWW.
If those embies continued to under-perform in the lab, they sure as heck are not going to be performing miracles in my uterus.  I still was holding out some hope for their survival and I have to admit when I was getting cramps yesterday a hopeful part of my infertile brain did perk up and think "implantation maybe?".....now at least I can relax and really focus on the next cycle and dates.

Of course, he insisted that I continue my meds - yuck!