Betrayed by my body, but not in the way you might think.
Its not becuase I cannot get pregnant. Of course that is part of it, but betrayed more by the fact that all my life it has given me signals that were incorrect, particularly with regard to my reproductive health.
What brought on this line of thinking???
Today I started AF.
This is my first regular AF, after the chemical AF I had on Oct 31. And sure enough as it has done every month AF showed up like clockwork, after a beautiful postitive OPK on CD 14/15, and a nice14 day luteal period. No muss, no fuss.
And that is why I feel betrayed because I have always had regular periods since I started at 13 yrs old. I have never missed any cycle, never had crazy bleeding or crazy cramps - nothing that would have clued me in earlier in life that maybe I have issues with fertility.
I was vaugely aware of the impact of age on fertility (back then I did not know the exact dismal stats), so I was expecting it to be perhaps a bit more difficult to get pregnant as I was approaching 40, than a twenty-something year old.
But I trusted my body.
I saw how regular my cycles were month after month after month. The consistent ovulation, consitant temp rises/decreases, consistant 14 day LP. That has got to be a good thing, right? This has got to mean that things are working properly? I had no reason, no indication, to think that despite near perfect cycles I could have issues.
But, here I am 4 years later, with nothing to show for it.
Except a robotic myomectomy in Feb for a bunch of fibroids I did not even know I had -- asymptomatic fibroids -- that I was shocked to be diagnosed with last Nov during my initial IVF workup. What the heck are fibroids and how the heck did I not feel any pain or see any symptoms (excessive bleeding etc)?
So, now you can see why I feel betrayed. My regular cycles made me complacent, and worse they made me confident.
And all this becuase I trusted my body and thought all was well.
Sunflower, I am sorry that your body was giving you mixed signals. I too have had very few menstrual problems in my life. My mom conceived accidentally at 40, so surely I could get pregnant. I really wish that someone would really explain our bodies and all their workings to us when we young.
ReplyDeleteOh, I feel the same way. My cycle has always been regular, even after miscarriges and IVF. How is it possible that the body can get that right?
ReplyDeleteI completely understand.....I always thought I would be this fertile myrtle and freaked if my period wasn't flowing by the evening on d27. Surely we got tricked...bad :(
ReplyDeleteI totally feel the same way. Perfect cycles, no cramps, nothing to indicate anything was wrong with me. Now, 4 IVF's later I find out I have endo, with absolutely no symptoms. Ugh! Well, I guess we could be thankful for the years of ignorant bliss, ha!
ReplyDeleteI feel the very same way. The perfect cycles, the surprise uterine inhabitants, the dismal egg quality...it all was not indicated by my body. I am trying to forgive it though but it's hard. Thank you for leaving a comment on my blog. I have got to give kale a few more chances!
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