Crossroads

I am at crossroads.

I thought I had it figured out.

This was my plan -- I would give one shot to IVF with my eggs and then move to DE. But with my last IVF I was so close to being pregnant, that I am wondering if I should try again.

I promised myself I would not sway from my plan, but now my resolve is weakening.....

After my first IVF bombed and got converted to IUI, I started my next protocol with trepidation. I wanted to do a complete end-to-end IVF cycle so I would not have any regrets later in life that I did not try.

I decided that even if I only got 2 follicles this time around I would do retrieval. I needed someone to get those eggs out and look at them through a microscope and see in real life what the quality was like. I wanted closure on my eggs.

I thought I got that with my recent IVF.

I had 11 AFC which is pretty good for my age, 8 follicles, 6 eggs retrieved, 5 mature and ICSI'd, but only 2 fertilized. I was so happy when I got to retrieval. I felt that I had accomplished my goal, since we were were not just working with 1-2 mature eggs, but SIX and that will really answer my questions of the quality of my eggs.  Well it did, my eggs are crap and there is no guarantee that with my next round I will get more eggs or more will fertilize.

As crass as it may sound, it all comes down to money. Sure, I would love to do multiple IVFs like Celine Dion and end up with a genetic child, but I don't have that kind of a bank balance

I have no IVF coverage. I do however have meds coverage for which I am grateful because otherwise I could not have done the two cycles I did.

I cannot but ask myself - how are the couples and single ladies in the blogs paying for multiple cycles of IVF and donor eggs?   I mean this stuff is expensive, and especially clinics like CC.RM which cost a pretty penny.   Donor eggs, I was googling, can be about 25K or more. Is it insurance, loans, savings, refis? Or do they know some less expensive agencies that I am unaware of?  Or do they just have kick-ass IVF coverage? 
There is a term in real estate called "house poor"  - meaning you buy a very expensive house and you have that asset but not much left in the bank. I don't want to be "baby poor" where I have a baby but end up compromising both our financial futures.

Where does one draw the line???? 

The scary part is that donor eggs is also not a 100% guarantee, sure its better than 40+ year old eggs -- by FAR better, but after my chemical it has opened up a whole other level of paranoia of do I have "natural killer cells" or something like that which could impact a donor cycle?

My RE dismissed my fears during my WTF earlier this month -- but I cannot help but wonder.

Sigh -- its like being on a hamster wheel sometimes.

Maybe tonight I need to get myself some wine, watch a movie and not obsessively read blogs ;-)