Exercise in Futility

I got my calendar.

I start Lupron on the 19th which is when this latest exercise in futility begins. That is my official term for this next cycle.

No, I am not being pessimistic, just realistic. It is an exercise in futility to go through the paces when there is such low chance of success. Success in my case is defined not by getting a  BFP, but getting decent embryos (remember faux-TWW).

Yes, right now just getting good quality embryos will be a "win" for me and that is all I hope for.  I am not even thinking about actually getting pregnant - that seems an unlikely concept.

I have to admit that each passing day I am getting closer to being at peace with  living child-free.  But heck my money is with the clinic, I cannot get it back even if I wanted to and close this chapter of my life, so I continue to chug along half-hearted. Sounds awful, I know, but its true :-(

It should not be this way.

Having given up on my own DNA I should NOT have to worry about embryos, for goodness sake. I thought that was the whole point of donor eggs, but alas, not so in my case. My innocencee is lost. Of course the clinic and RE are convinced that last time was just bad luck and now I have a different donor, but after my debacle cycle last time I am a tad gun-shy. Crap embryos again would mean prolonging this TTC purgatory which for all intents and purposes I am ready to give up.

So anyways....it goes on.

On the bright side -- I still have 12 of my 40 days of FUN left! 

I have not being doing much fun the past few days since I had a mild cold, but I am fine today, just in time for the weekend!