Musings and Miscalulations

My days of fun and completing pending tasks continues.

Towards that end, yesterday I trimmed the hedges in the front of the house. Boy, my arms and hands were trembling an hour later but it was a big job that needed getting done. Thankfully it only needs to be done 1-2 times a season! I also watched a really fun movie at night.

Today I planted my window boxes. All I have left to do is plant my annuals in the bed later today or tomorrow and lay out the last bale of pine straw. Then I will be officially done with my Spring yard work. Yay!

Yoga this morning was awesome. I had skipped the previous two Sat classes - two weeks ago I had cramps and last week I was in the city. I really needed the stretching and I felt so much better afterwards. I could feel all the tension in my hips melt away - amazing!

I miscalculated.  My 40 days of fun are actually 20, since I should begin cycling in about 17 days.

Eeek -- I really don't know how to feel about this upcoming cycle. I have lost hope, and that is very unlike me.

I am terrified that there will be no good embryo again and it will end before it even begins. I am not sure what I will do then.

Logic tells me that just because it happened last time does not mean it will this time as well, but what if it does?  I can deal with a good embryo giving a BFN - that I am prepared for since I know its a crap shoot, but to get no good embryo was a very very tough pill to swallow.  I mean I have given up my own genetics which was not an easy decision, the least the universe can do is give me a break and yeild me some good DE embryos, right?!

A part of me says that if that happens I should take it as a sign from the universe and just stop this madness now.  Because isn't that the definition of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results. 

I do know that I am down to one, maybe two more cycles that is it. I have to begin planning a future.  However hard one tries to not focus on TTC its the elephant in the room - should I look for another job or stay where I am while TTC,  should I book a vacation to Europe this Fall, can I attend my cousins wedding overseas in Feb, or will I be pregnant and/or giving birth on those dates?

Its crazy.

The only thing that gives me some peace is knowing that either way this journey will end in a few months.......and whatever the outcome I know the end will be welcomed with open arms.