Yo-Yo'ing and Reptiles

Well, I am trying to get by one day at a time, vacillating between optimism and fear.

I cannot help but scour the Internet for any information on a situation such as mine. Its like a scab that you cannot help but keep picking at.  Wish I could turn off my brain for the next several days.

When they say CVS can be 1-2% inconclusive, they sure mean it since stories like mine are hard to find. I have seen some where the amnio came back fine, and others where it did not. What is missing is prognosis of the babies in either cases or how the pregnancy itself progressed.

Not much to do but wait.

It is ironical that while I had thought about pregnancy complications, such as, cervix issues, placenta issues, high blood pressure, bed rest etc, the chromosomal piece I was not worried about since I figured that the CVS would conclusively detect it, and frankly with a  young donor I figured my chances were very good.

Talk about loss of innocence.

The other irony is that except for this horrible gloom that is around me mentally, physically I feel really good.

My m/s is gone, I am beginning to enjoy food, I have a lot of energy and most hours of the day I do not even realize I am pregnant and feel like my old self. Its a pity that I cannot just enjoy the beautiful fall weather and this "honeymoon" phase of the pregnancy.

Yesterday I went for a dental cleaning. The ladies there knew I am pregnant since I had gone to the dentist at about 9 weeks due to tooth sensitivity. So they were all enquiring how things were and how I was doing,.....I had to fake a smile and say everything is fine. It was really hard. They did end up having to take X-Rays but they double-shielded me with 2 lead aprons just to be safe.

I really did not care, with all this bigger stuff going on, radiation from an x-ray seems rather insignificant. Its amazing how all the things about the roach spray and lawn fertilizer and using only natural skincare products seems so irrelevant in light of current events.

Guess I am in a funk :-(

In other news I saw a snake near my porch steps today. I only noticed it when I was coming down after having gone up the stairs to water my plants. I could very nearly have stepped on it. It was small and gray and had its head up and tongue sticking out.

I read snakes are lucky in many cultures...so who knows what to make of it. But I will take any reptilian symbol of good luck I can.

One tidbit I did not mention.

Early Friday morning (day of amnio) I had a dream about my baby girl. I have had dreams about a baby girl during the initial weeks of my pregnancy which is why I was not surprised to hear she was a girl, but have not dreamt of a baby in about 6-8 weeks.

It was interesting that I should dream the morning of my amnio when I was desperately seeking some consolation.

In my dream, she was born.  I saw her face, curve of her cheek, her eyes, I held her and felt her warm body.  She was fine and healthy. After holding her I give her to my Mom and go off to a church to attend a carnival or party. My Mom joins me with the baby in the stroller and the baby is lifting her head and I am thinking "I gave birth to her yesterday and she is already lifting her head". Then my BIL and nephew stop by to see her.

It was  strange dream but I felt so calm when I woke up. I felt that it was a sign from her that she is okay.

Gosh I sound completely nuts.

I am reading blogs, but not commenting much. There are a few ladies hoping for BFPs this week, so wishing them good luck!!