Its not looking good

I am going to lose my Dad.

It now just a matter of when, rather than if.

He is still in ICU, on a vent and now having issues with maintaining BP and kidney function. Its all snowballing as it does unfortunately. We are not losing hope, but we have to be realistic.

I have been able to see him everyday since Saturday thanks to very kind neighbors and friends who have been taking care of Beanie while I visit him. The horrible sense of urgency I had on Sat to meet him has subsided a bit since I have been able to see, touch and talk to him.

On Sunday he was able to write a bit and asked what day it was, etc. Yesterday he having difficulty writing since he is under some sedation, but did write LONG which I asked if he meant how long he had been in the hospital and he nodded.

Today he was struggling to say something and really wanting to write and wrote "Can I L..." which we are not sure what he was saying. He then gets very agitated and his BP goes up. My sis thinks he was saying Can I Leave.

This afternoon, a few hours after I returned from the hospital I called my Mom. She told me that he was motioning to write again and this time he wrote...clear as day ..."I Love You". They have been married for 53 years.

I think he knows......

Today he held my hand for almost 30 min and I got some private time to tell him how much I love him and what an amazing father he has been. He has been by my side for my entire life, and I can never ever forget how supportive he was when I was trying to have Beanie. He would come with me to every appt - blood test, egg retrieval, ultrasound, etc - and sit patiently in the waiting room.  He came with me to all my high-risk OB appts in the big city and drove me to/fro the amniocentesis.  I can honestly say, Beanie would not be here without his support.

He adores Beanie. She gives him so much joy and happiness. I know it gives him a lot of peace to know that I have my small family and I am not alone.

When she was a baby he would visit every single day....and sit with her and hold her. Once she got bigger he did not visit daily but would say goodnight to her every night. Even the days he was in the hospital he spoke with her.

I cannot even imagine life without my Dad.

Today my one garage door would not open. My first thought was I need to call Dad...that is what I would do...except my Dad is now struggling to live with machines.

I am beyond devastated.

My biggest fear in life since I was a kid has been losing my Dad...