Losing my Confidence

I hate to admit it but I am really losing my confidence in this pregnancy. 

This is a huge change from my attitude from transfer to the CVS test (13 weeks) where I was feeling positive and happy and enjoyed each day and not spending time worrying about the next test or U/S.

Now I have a dark cloud over my head, sleepless nights and endless worrying. The worrying is now gone beyond the baby and potential amnio results to more generalized anxiety about how will I afford a child with special needs should I end up with one.

I am a worrier by nature and it is one of the things that has kept me from embracing things in life since I think too much about consequences to the point it leads to inaction.

When I decided to become a SMC I decided that I needed to not "overthink" it.

I looked at basic stuff such as, having a home, job, savings, family support in the form of my parents. I worked out how much it would cost for childcare and who would be with the baby during my business trips etc.  The basic logistical stuff.

And I decided to take the plunge.

I can do this!

Now I find myself in this hellhole of wondering how the heck I can afford having a baby with medical issues.  I will not qualify for any state/federal programs such as Medicaid, WIC, SSI, or any of them, which means its all going to be up to me to provide for care and having no partner to lean for financial/emotional support, its really frightening.

Also the scales have been lifted from my eyes about prenatal diagnostic testing.  It is far far FAR from being a sure thing as its made out to be.

I was never worried about genetic issues. There were ways to test fot those, right? I had read about CVS and amnio and it seemed it was clear cut.  - Yes your baby is chromosomal normal, or  No
 its chromosomes are not normal.

But its not that easy.

There is a HUGE grey area, not just the 1-2% for mosaic results where I find myself.

For example, it was quite possible that had the Dr gone a bit to the left or right of where he got my CVS sample from it may have been 100% normal which would be scary since nobody would have suspected anything wrong nor would there have been any monitoring for IUGR etc.  So, it is very likely that you can get a normal CVS only to find out after birth that your child has some chromosomal problem.

I never knew that.

With amnio,  also touted as the "gold standard" for prenatal testing since the 1970's, they only look at 10-15 cells. So, again very easy to miss if some other cell outside of those 10-15 have issues.

And lastly, not all chromosome issues show up in ultrasound either. In clear cut cases of T-18, T-21 things can be spotted, such as, club foot, clenched fists etc. But I have read many many cases where nobody knew until the baby is born or even years after.

Its really scary stuff and while I realize that nothing is 100%, from what I have read these tests are hits/misses all the time which surprised me since I thought diagnostic tests are touted to be 99.5% accurate.

So, as you can see its really messing with my head.

I read an article yesterday about the hell of waiting for test results and how difficultt it is emotionally to try and disconnect from your pregnancy:

Seeking and waiting for information changes the pre-information stage of pregnancy, creates what I think of as a "tentative pregnancy."  The new technology of reproduction puts many women into a difficult social state...A woman's commitment to her pregnancy under the conditions imposed by amniocentesis can only be tentative.  She cannot ignore it, but neither can she wholeheartedly embrace it....

Most women manage to keep the anxiety under control, but there is a cost to that.  The cost is in the developing relationship with the fetus.  Distance must be maintained....

I turned 17 weeks yesterday, I did not even look at the ticker or go see what development phase the fetus is in.

This has robbed me of any joy and even if the results are fine, I will worry if they tested enough cells, worry about the placenta function etc, plus it put us at risk for pre-eclampsia, premature birth, etc.

There are risks with every pregnancy, of course, and I realize that.  Nobody is ever assured a healthy baby and ALL pregnant women worry about something or other. Its very few who can "sail" through their pregnancy.

Yet I cannot help but wish I was not in this horrible situation!