What I cannot give her ...

Tonight just as Beanie was going to sleep she mentioned that a little boy in school has a baby (as in a baby sister) and she wanted us to have a "real baby" also.

:-(

That sweet innocent request broke my heart.

I expected her to ask about it someday, but not this early, she in not yet three!

The post below has been sitting in my DRAFTS for a long time.....I think given what occurred today its time it saw the light of the day!

********************************************************************************

I will come right out and say it...


I am 99.9% sure that I will not be having another baby. And I say 99.9% because one can never say never and there is a huge part of me that is just not willing to close that door even though common sense tells me it should be closed.


There are several reasons why I feel that door needs to be permanently shut and sealed tight!


On a personal level, I feel my maternal need is very happily fulfilled with Beanie. I am thrilled being her Mom and I just cannot imagine loving anybody else the way I love her. I have had the immense pleasure of being pregnant and enjoying the sensation of growing and carrying a child. I have also experienced the miracle of childbirth and am now enjoying raising my baby girl (I secretly hoped I would have a daughter). So, there is nothing I feel I am missing, or would add to my happiness quotient by having another.


If I do toss around the idea of T42, and I have ever since Beanie was born, is mainly to give her a sibling. The question of a sibling becomes more important since Beanie is DE/DS baby, so she may want that genetic connection to another person.


But even when I consider the need for a sibling, I feel that there are too many risks involved now and my logical brain tells me that I need to close that door.

Lets face it, my real biggest reason is age - my age!   I have not mentioned my age since I am older than most of you ladies and it makes me feel rather self-conscious. But the fact is that I got pregnant with Beanie in 2012 right before I turned 44 yrs. Methinks maybe there is an age when its too late to have another child and I feel that I may have reached it :-(


There are real risks to getting pregnant at an older age. I was extremely lucky that everything went very well for me physically during my pregnancy. I also know that both my OB and MFM are confident that I will be able to handle another pregnancy just fine (and deep down I feel it too), but I am still scared. Scared of what could go wrong and how that could affect Beanie. It does not have to be anything crazy, even something like extended bed rest becomes complicated when there is a child involved. Am I to expect my parents to be taking care of her ... and me?

Another concern is the health of the baby.  After that whole Trisomy 18 scare with Beanie I consider myself fortunate that we did not have anything serious occur. Do I want to take another chance? What if there are health complications or pre-term birth? How would that impact my life? And more importantly, Beanie's life?


Then there is the logical concern of finances. Its expensive having a baby. Right now I can provide a very comfortable life for Beanie, but by adding another one to the mix, it would mean diminished retirement and college savings. I just don't feel comfortable living on the financial edge, having to potentially worry about money and have it affect my children's sense of security to see Mommy struggle with bills.


And frankly, being an SMC also plays into it a lot.

If I had a partner maybe some of the reasons above may be less relevant, e.g. finances or even age would matter less if there is another parent to share the responsibility.  When I was married I routinely thought about twins, the moment I became a SMC I tossed that idea out real fast.  It seems really difficult to juggle two babies, a job and take care of a home, single-handed. I have seen with Beanie how much time and energy it takes to raise a child and I don't want to go through the next few years all in a blur of exhaustion.


So, anyway, those are my personal reasons.


I think I always knew, from a logical point of view, that I would only be doing this once which may be why I really savored each day of my pregnancy and why I am enjoying every second of every day watching Beanie grow. I feel I should just consider myself very lucky and blessed to have a happy, healthy baby girl.


Regarding the sibling, sure it would be good for Beanie to have one, but there are many people in the world who are "the only" child. I know several people who proactively chose to only have one child and neither the parent nor the child seems unduly affected. So its not all doom and gloom to not have a sibling (I hope).


Of course, when I see a pregnant woman, or small infants, I suddenly feel that tug. Why can I not close the door??

***********************************************************************************

After hearing Beanie today, how I wish I was 10 years younger!