I chose Happy

My Dad would always say "You can be right, or you can be happy". I had a recent drama with my sister (who else) and I chose happy.

Here is how it went down.

Some months ago I read about a exhibition in the city that I thought Beanie would be interested in. It was located about 10 min from where my niece (28yrs old) lives so I mentioned it to her saying when we plan the trip we will make sure we can meet up with her. She said she would want to join us and was free all May and June except the Memorial Day weekend and we left it there.

May was very busy with end of school so I told her we would do it in June. Now my niece and her finace are moving to Tennessee at the end of June, so I was hoping to do this while she was still in the city just to add some additional fun into the outing.

Anyway, June came and its been rainy all weekends so far. I saw that 18th was going to be good weather. In my mind I booked that date as one where we could do this museum visit. I had gone to a concert with my sis and some frineds and I mentioned that date and my sis reminded me it was Father's Day.

The Wed before Father's Day, I texted my niece. I told her we were "thinking" of visiting the museum on Sunday, BUT it was Father's Day and asked if she had plans.  The reason I did that is because my BIL is always working on everyone's birthday's, anniversary's etc and there was a possibility that he was working and she may be free. 

My niece texted back in about 3 hrs saying BOTH she and her fianace were free and wanted to come to the museum. I replied back saying "Awesome".

On Friday night, I texted my niece again to reconfirm the plan just in case something had come up on her side. I again prefaced my email with "I was thinking on Sun we could meet at xx time, etc etc. ' and ended with "What do you think"?

She texted me the next day - Sat at noon saying, "I am home all day tomorrow" but that her finace was going for brunch to his parents for Father's Day and will meet us later.

So, the plan was set. We met up and had a fun lunch and then her finace, my niece, Beanie and I went to the museum and had a enjoyable afternoon.

Next day Monday night my Mom calls me and tells me my sister went to my Mom very upset that I ruined their Father's Day plans. She said my BIL had taken the day off and was looking forward to spending time with my niece, etc etc.....

I was frankly confused. 

As you see in the above exchange with my niece, I specifially asked her if she had any plans on Father's Day and she said No and reiterated that she was home alone on Sunday (with no indication of even coming down meet her parents like  she does on many weekends.)

I immidiately texted my sis, and said "Mom told me you are upset. I am sorry. I had reminded L that it was Father's Day and she said she had no plans which is why we set that date, otherwise I would not have done so. Again I am sorry" I attached my first text to my niece and her response (as proof). 

I though that text would set things right - I had explained why I picked that date and apologized (twice).

Crickets!!  

My sis ghosted me for several days.....

Then I texted my sis again since her silence was upsetting me. 

This time I said that I had no intention of spoiling any plan because as far as I was aware there was NO plan. And if there was a plan that came up later, my sis could have told me and I would have simply rescheduled. This time I attached my neice's text  from Sat where she said would be "in her apartment all day", while her fiance was going to his parents. I also asked my sis to not "ghost" me since it was upsetting me and if there is a problem, lets talk about it.

She replied saying she was busy with work and hepling some frined whose Mom had passed etc. So I said Okay and condolences to your friend. This was Thursday.

Then yesterday, Fri, I get a long text from my sis. She said she was disapointed that I picked Fathers Day of all days which is a big deal in their family. Her husband had taken the day off and so had she ...and they had planned some take-out and swim in the pool etc. They ASSUMED their daughter would be coming down. When they found out  that she had plans with me, my sis was going to call me to resolve it but both my BIL and niece did not want "drama", so she did not call. She went on to rail about I should have asked HER since she controls all plans in her family and going ffd I should run all plans with her family by her!!! Oh and that I should not "blame" it on my niece knowing the plans since I should have known better!

WTF!

So let me unpack this:

1. Father's Day is a big deal in her family

Ummm really?!!  If its such a big day, how did your daughter not only have NO celebration planned for her Dad, but based on her text of Sat had no intention of even coming down to meet her parents that day! Even my Mom was surprised by that line since she has never seen any big deal being made of Father's Day.

2.  My sis and her daugther talk DAILY.  How is it possible that my museum plan with my niece (which is not a common occurance) was not mentioned even one time between Wed night and Sunday morning? Or that in all the days leading up to it, neither of them had the conversation about "hey Father's Day is in x days, what should we do for Dad?" 

3.  IF my niece was unaware of her parents plans (which is what I suspect), why in God's name did my sis not simply call me, even if it was Sunday morning to say "Hey, there seems to be a mix up and we are spening Father's Day together, can you reschedule?" 

 ----What did she think the "drama" would be?  Me throwing a hissy fit that I forbid my niece from spening time with her Dad on Father's Day...how dumb!  Of couse I would have resceduled, or gone without her.  We only set that date since my niece kept saying she was available, so in my mind it why let a Sunday go waste given the weather was good and my niece may get busy later in the month with her move.

The one point I do concede - and I am willing to admit when I make a mistake - is that I should have run this by sis. 

And I always do....

I did'nt this time simply because (a) my niece is 28 years old, she is not a kid.  I felt that I can have an adult to adult relationship with her without inserting her Mom in  every text or commuinaction I have. (b) they are close and talk daily so I was 1000% sure my niece will tell my sis anyway  (c) it was Father's Day, who better to ask if she has plans than the kid who will be celebraing her Dad.

But obviously that is not what happened.

I wanted to say all the above to my sis.

- And to tell her that her irritation is misplaced since I set the appt "in good faith" that my niece was free and not with any intention spoil any plans.  I mean, seriously, why on earth would I want to spoil my own BIL and niece's Father day...for goodness sake!  

- And to tell her that the problem rests with the poor communication within HER own  family, since my niece was clueless about any plan herself.

But then I realized....it was pointless telling her anything. No facts or logic would have gotten though. 

You an either be right or be happy. 

I chose happy. 

I texted back "You are right. I am sorry".

24 hrs later.....crickets again....no acknowledgement of my 3rd (!!!) apology.

She was texting with my Mom yesterday and complaining why she had to be the "bigger person" and "let it go".....um, really!!?

My conjecture is this..... that Sunday morning came. My sis saw my BIL chilling and asked him about work and he must have said "oh I took the day off for Father's Day". They called my niece asking when she was coming down, only for her to say she had plans with me. THAT would have pissed off my sister.  She could not get mad at her kid so she did the only thing she could which is fixate her rage on me...

..so whatever....

My concience is clear. I was not "hijacking" the day as my sis so eloquently put it in her text.  I used the information supplied by my niece, who seemed unaware herself.

We all had a fun day.  My niece did not appear even slightly put out when we met, and we all enjoyed hanging out together.

My niece will be staying with my sis for a month to finish out her job before she moves. Beanie wanted to hang out with her and her dog...and had many plans which she told my niece about on Sunday - picnic in the park, Famer's Market etc.  My niece was excited about them.  But after this drama I don't want to do plan anything with my niece. She clearly does not control her own time or calendar.

I told Beanie that my sis and my BIL would like to spend the time with my niece...and left it at that.